My Mental Health in 2017 – An Unexpected Twist

I’ve been trying to write this post since I started up blogging again and have been failing massively.

Previously, my mental health was a big topic for me on my blog. I would talk about it a lot and a lot of my posts would be about how I was feeling or a brain dump to help myself feel less burdened by what was going on. It happened weekly. But now? Now I can’t even find the right words.

At first, I was saddened by this. Was my mental health not as important to me as it once was? Why didn’t I want to write about it as much, getting my feelings down on paper?

But, then I realised it wasn’t for any negative reasons.

It was because I am doing better.

I’m in a better place then I ever was back then; I’m stronger emotionally and I’ve certainly got a better grip on what’s happening.

I don’t have as big of a need to talk about it, to brain dump and make myself feel freer because I feel stronger every single day. I’m happier, kinder to myself and more likely to let myself laugh.

My body isn’t as hard to me as it once was. My brain isn’t betraying me on a daily basis – it’s no longer my biggest enemy and, slowly, we are learning to work together to have a better life.

Don’t get my wrong, I’m still battling, sometimes daily, with how I feel and the way my brain is wired.

You see, although I have a ‘diagnosis’ of suffering with anxiety and depression, it isn’t the right one and, to be honest, I sometimes feel like I will never know what’s ‘wrong’ with me. I want to know what it is that makes me this way and why I feel the way I do. I almost need to know because I know it will help me understand why I am the way I am, why I make certain choices and think the way I do.

It will give me closure – something I’m desperate to have.

(Closure might be the wrong word, but it’s the best word I can find to explain what it will do for me.)

I’ve come to terms with how I feel on a daily basis and I’m very good at regulating how I feel. I can explain to others when I’m not right, I know what’s ‘normal’ and not. But, it doesn’t make it any easier, especially as I have side effects or symptoms that aren’t in the classes of anxiety or depression. It’s so frustrating not knowing why I feel the way I do sometimes or why I act in certain ways.

So, my biggest battle this year hasn’t been how I’m feeling, it’s why I’m feeling. I’m fighting with GPs that have admitted they don’t know what’s ‘wrong’ with me to refer me to professionals – professionals that are already stretched too far because of pants budgets. I’m literally crying and shouting out for help, but it’s not always answered how I want.

But, I take solace in the fact that my biggest battle is trying to get others to help me.

Gone are the days where I am in denial over needing help, where I shut everyone out and refused to see anyone.

I might still battle with how I feel and have my low days, but I’m in a better position to deal with them these days – I’m stronger and better at reading what I want or need to feel better.

Sure, it sometimes feels like I take 10 steps back for every step I take forward but, the best thing about that is, each step back also acts as a step forward. It’s more of a baby step back then a whole, wide stride.

So, here is to feeling better, more stable and more aware of what’s going on. My struggle and fight isn’t over – I’m more than sure that I’ll need to brain dump my feelings from time to time – but for now I’m going to make the conscious decision to take pride and solace in the fact that I’m stronger than ever.

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  • When you’ve suffered from depression and/or anxiety the day that you feel “I’m happier, kinder to myself and more likely to let myself laugh.” is just so good. It starts to feel like something clicks into place once you have that feeling, in my experience! xx

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    • Maj

      Definitely! I think what was so good is that when I started to feel bad again, I just knew I was nowhere near as bad as I was before and that I had the tools to cope. I never thought I’d be able to cope! x

  • That last paragraph though! Wow, I relate to that on so many different levels. It’s amazing how writing about your Mental Health helps you to evaluate it. I recently wrote a post about what I have learned from Blogging my mental health and I too noticed that even though I’m aware I’m not 100% I know I’m so much better now. It’s great to read you’re in a better place now x

    • Maj

      I’m so glad you could relate and enjoyed the place! I’m definitely going to go over and look up that post – I can safely say that back in the day, on previous blogs, blogging 100000% helped my mental health! x

  • Well done for being in a better place, that’s great 🙂 Have you ever been to see a counsellor? Whilst a counsellor isn’t there to tell you what to do, they can often help explore your concerns with you and perhaps help you get to a place where you understand yourself better? I say this because I’ve had therapy and am a therapist. I suffer with anxiety, tending to go to the worse-case scenario and working myself up. I don’t really know why I’m like this. It might be early life experiences and/or how I was brought up. I think I’m the opposite to you in that I’ve got to a stage where needing to know the ‘why’ isn’t as important as ‘how’ to manage it. It’s all a work in progress and I don’t get it right all the time! Good luck on your journey x

    • Maj

      I had CBT for a while but gave up because a) I didn’t like it and b) I didn’t like the counsellor… I think in the future I’d really like to see a therapist/ counsellor again, but I don’t think CBT is for me. Everyone gets there through a different journey – it’s good you can recognise where you’re at! x

  • Ritu Kaur BP

    I really hope you get to the bottom of ‘why’ too hun x

    • Maj

      Thanks honey! x

  • Angela Noel

    Recognizing the “why” behind feeling the way we do is a powerful key to unlocking the way forward. Cultivating that awareness and observing what I see, rather than judging myself has made a huge difference in my own search for why I feel or act as I do. I’m so glad to read that you’re feeling lighter. Sharing the journey, no matter what journey we’re on, helps us all.

    • Maj

      You’re completely right – I’m getting there…just slowly! x

  • I like your focus on “why” we’re feeling a certain way. It’s always helpful too to let people into our lives and stories – I’m glad you’re working on that! And I’m glad you’re feeling better too. I struggled a lot with my mental health a few months ago and I started to feel so so much better this summer. It’s something we can recover from and it’s always good to realize we have hope 🙂