I’ve been trying to write this post since I started up blogging again and have been failing massively.
Previously, my mental health was a big topic for me on my blog. I would talk about it a lot and a lot of my posts would be about how I was feeling or a brain dump to help myself feel less burdened by what was going on. It happened weekly. But now? Now I can’t even find the right words.
At first, I was saddened by this. Was my mental health not as important to me as it once was? Why didn’t I want to write about it as much, getting my feelings down on paper?
But, then I realised it wasn’t for any negative reasons.
It was because I am doing better.
I’m in a better place then I ever was back then; I’m stronger emotionally and I’ve certainly got a better grip on what’s happening.
I don’t have as big of a need to talk about it, to brain dump and make myself feel freer because I feel stronger every single day. I’m happier, kinder to myself and more likely to let myself laugh.
My body isn’t as hard to me as it once was. My brain isn’t betraying me on a daily basis – it’s no longer my biggest enemy and, slowly, we are learning to work together to have a better life.
Don’t get my wrong, I’m still battling, sometimes daily, with how I feel and the way my brain is wired.
You see, although I have a ‘diagnosis’ of suffering with anxiety and depression, it isn’t the right one and, to be honest, I sometimes feel like I will never know what’s ‘wrong’ with me. I want to know what it is that makes me this way and why I feel the way I do. I almost need to know because I know it will help me understand why I am the way I am, why I make certain choices and think the way I do.
It will give me closure – something I’m desperate to have.
(Closure might be the wrong word, but it’s the best word I can find to explain what it will do for me.)
I’ve come to terms with how I feel on a daily basis and I’m very good at regulating how I feel. I can explain to others when I’m not right, I know what’s ‘normal’ and not. But, it doesn’t make it any easier, especially as I have side effects or symptoms that aren’t in the classes of anxiety or depression. It’s so frustrating not knowing why I feel the way I do sometimes or why I act in certain ways.
So, my biggest battle this year hasn’t been how I’m feeling, it’s why I’m feeling. I’m fighting with GPs that have admitted they don’t know what’s ‘wrong’ with me to refer me to professionals – professionals that are already stretched too far because of pants budgets. I’m literally crying and shouting out for help, but it’s not always answered how I want.
But, I take solace in the fact that my biggest battle is trying to get others to help me.
Gone are the days where I am in denial over needing help, where I shut everyone out and refused to see anyone.
I might still battle with how I feel and have my low days, but I’m in a better position to deal with them these days – I’m stronger and better at reading what I want or need to feel better.
Sure, it sometimes feels like I take 10 steps back for every step I take forward but, the best thing about that is, each step back also acts as a step forward. It’s more of a baby step back then a whole, wide stride.
So, here is to feeling better, more stable and more aware of what’s going on. My struggle and fight isn’t over – I’m more than sure that I’ll need to brain dump my feelings from time to time – but for now I’m going to make the conscious decision to take pride and solace in the fact that I’m stronger than ever.